Speaking on the floor of the Senate on Tuesday, Senator Mike Lee (R-UT) offered a hilarious takedown of the Green New Deal, replete with...
Lee started seriously:
Mr. President, fear has become an all too prevalent quality in American political discourse. And unfortunately, fear is unavoidable when debating the substance of the resolution before this body today; that is climate change, socialism, and the Green New Deal. On entering this debate, I have a little fear in my heart as well. But, Mr. President, my fear at this moment may be just a little different than that of some of my colleagues. Unlike some of my colleagues, I’m not immediately afraid of what carbon emissions unaddressed might do to our environment in the near-term future, or our civilization, or our planet in the next few years. Unlike others, I’m not immediately afraid of what the Green New Deal would do to our economy and our government. After all, this isn’t going to pass, not today, not any time soon certainly. Rather, after reading the Green New Deal, I’m mostly afraid of not being able to get through this speech with a straight face.
Then Lee lanced the Green New Deal and its proponents with illustrative genius:
For Mr. President, I rise today to consider the Green New Deal with the seriousness it deserves. This is of course a picture of former President Ronald Reagan, naturally firing a machine gun while riding on the back of a dinosaur. You'll notice a couple of important features here: first of all, the rocket launcher strapped to President Reagan's back, and then the stirring, unmistakeable patriotism of the velociraptor holding up a tattered American flag, a symbol of all it means to be an American.You know, critics might quibble with this depiction of the climactic battle of the Cold War, because while awesome, in real life there was no climactic battle. There was no battle with or without velociraptors. The Cold War, as we all know, was won without firing a shot.But that quibble actually serves our purposes here today, Mr. President, because this image has as much to do with overcoming communism in the 20th century as the Green New Deal has to do with overcoming climate change in the 21st. The aspirations of the proposal have been called radical; they’ve been called extreme, but mostly they’re ridiculous. There isn’t a single serious idea here: not one.
Lee wasn't done after using the illustration of Reagan; he had more hilarity planned, this time with a reference to Star Wars:
To illustrate, let me highlight two of the most prominent goals produced by the plan’s authors. Goal number one: the Green New Deal calls essentially for the elimination of airplanes. Now this might seem merely ambitious to politicians who represent densely-populated northeastern United States. But how’s it supposed to work for our fellow citizens who don’t live somewhere between Washington D.C. and Boston? In a future without air travel, how are we supposed to get around the vast expanses of say, Alaska during the winter? Well, I’ll tell you how: tontonse, Mr. President, is a beloved species of repti-mammals native to the ice planet of Hoth. Now, well, perhaps not as efficient as airplanes or as snowmobiles, these hairy bipedaled species of space lizards offer their own unique benefits. Not only are tontons carbon-neutral, but according to a report a long time ago and issued far, far away, they may even be fully recycleable and usable for their warmth, especially on a cold night.
Reagan, Star Wars, what could be next? Why, the comic book world, of course:
What about Hawaii, isolated, two-thousand miles out in the Pacific Ocean. Under the Green New Deal’s effective airplane prohibition, how are people there supposed to get to and from the mainland? How are they supposed to maintain that significant portion of their economy based on tourism? At that distance, swimming would, of course, be out of the question, and jet skis are notorious gas guzzlers. No: all residents of Hawaii would be left with is this: This is a picture of Aquaman, a superhero from the sea-kingdom of Atlantis, and notable here, a founding member of super friends. I draw your attention, Mr. President, to the 20-foot impressive seahorse he’s riding. Under the Green New Deal, this is probably Hawaii’s best bet.Now, I’m the first to admit that a massive fleet of giant, highly-trained sea horses would be cool. It would be really, really awesome. We have to consider a few things. We have no idea about scalability or domestic capacity in this sector. The last thing we want is to ban all airplanes and only then find out that China or Russia may have already established strategic hippocampus programs designed to cut the United States out of the global market. Mr. President: we must not allow and cannot tolerate a giant seahorse gap.
Lee segued to the infamous suggestion of 'Green New Deal' proponents to eliminating cows:
Goal number two: the Green New Deal anticipates the elimination of all cows. Talking points released by the sponsors of the resolution the day it was introduced cited the goal of “full getting rid of—" I paraphrase here— “flatulating cows.” Now, Mr. President, I share their concern, but honestly I think you’ve got to remember that if they that think cows smell bad, just wait till they get a whiff of the sea horses.Video below:
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