The following is satirical. As many of you may have noticed, the country is divided. For those of you who haven’t noticed: the country i...
The following is satirical.
As many of you may have noticed, the country is divided. For those of you who haven’t noticed: the country is divided. On one side is a revolutionary movement to eradicate the sins of the past by replacing them with slavery, poverty and perpetual rage. On the other side are people wondering why no one will just leave them alone.
To find common ground, we as Americans must learn how to discuss the issues. We must learn to do this as Americans because if we do it as Armenians or Lithuanians, we’ll just look ridiculous and have no idea what we’re saying.
So today, in an attempt to restore that national spirit of bright good will that used to exist in a few random Disney movies, I would like to offer some helpful tips on how to have a political debate.
Tip Number One. Always try to remember that reasonable people will disagree but if they disagree with you, they are hateful bigots who are trying to destroy everything that is good and true about this disgusting, racist country. And that’s not who we are. The best way to get them to see the light is to lean your face very close to theirs and scream accusations at them until someone in authority comes along and fires them. Then everything will be better.
Tip Number Two. Don’t forget, no matter how passionately you may believe in something, there are two sides to every issue: your side and the side that you and a hundred other people wearing masks and armed with batons are chasing across campus so that you can terrorize and beat them in the name of equality. After that, there will only be one side and you can forget tip number two.
And Tip Number Three. When you hear opinions you don’t like, keep repeating to yourself, “It’s a free country,” while you do everything you can to rectify that.
Using these simple tips, you’ll soon be able to end the nation’s division. And the nation.
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