Canada facts for Americans (75 Pics)

I suggest you let these facts marinate.

Let's start off by talking about bacon, nobody in Canada calls this stuff bacon and I don't know who keeps telling you Americans that. We call it back bacon, canadian bacon, some mistakenly call it peameal bacon but when we say bacon to one another up here we all mean the same as you Americans, we mean the streaky processed stuff in the cryovac packages we all pay entirely too much for that too many of you seem to only be able to enjoy if and only if it's been turned into salty carbon.

The worlds largest beaver dam exists in Wood Buffalo park, it measures a staggeringly long 850 meters, that's 2788 feet or so in Chuck-e-Cheese units.

Did you know America invaded Canada three times?
Once in 1775, Canadian Victory.
Again in 1812, Canadian Victory.
Lastly in 1995, three Americans snuck into one of our powerplants and sabotaged it causing a countrywide blackout. The three involved in this heinous crime fled the country in a speedboat.
We invented pineapple pizza and for the most part we actually like it.

You know Harbour Freight? There is a 1:1 version of it here in Canada, not a clone just a rebrand from the same company.

Dead serious. The same items sold there under the HF Housebrand? They're called POWERFIST here.

Did you know that Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined? Did you know we sell this abundance of freshwater to people like Nestle for pennies and they sell it back to us for huge profits? Did you know the Canadian School of Economics must only take in Leafs fans?

Mundare, Alberta is home to the worlds second largest kielbassa sausage, my jeans being home to the first. While the idea of a gigantic sausage might seem questionable or in some cases exciting for some of you it's important to note that there is a meat processor there as well as far too many Ukranians.

Yes, in Canada milk does come in bags but only in certain provinces like Ontario where you can still actually buy milk in cartons and jugs anyway if you don't want your milk to sit and start to smell like your fridge does.

However after the large sausages erection was done most people pointed out it looked a little problematic when viewed from another angle.

Speaking of Hockey, since 1915 the team with the most Stanley Cup wins under their belt would be none-other than my boys The Habs. Which is short and french for Les Habitants, a popular brand of soup here in Canada.

Speaking of problematic, welcome to Tisdale Saskatchewan.
Rape, and rapeseed you might not know this was actually the original name for canola. Recently the town has changed their slogan to "Opportunity Grows Here"
We not only have ketchup chips but we have ketchup Doritos. They've been a "limited time" item for around four years now.

Speaking of short and french, Meet Jean Chretien, the "Little guy from Shawinigan" this picture was taken in 1995 during an anti-poverty rally. This was the leader of our country at the time putting a protester in a chokehold before throwing him to the ground causing him to break a tooth The move was dubbed "The Shawinigan Handshake"

We take our beer so seriously that it's illegal to move it across provincial borders without permission. It's a dumb rule.
Speaking of fun Canadian politicians, this man is Ralph Klein, the teflon premier, also known as King Ralph. He led the province from Alberta for awhile and while many praise him for the bang-up job he did for Albertans he was often outspoken and completely shitfaced the entire time doing it.

There's also things like the incidents such as.
Getting drunk and having his limousine driver bring him to a homeless shelter so he could yell at the homeless and throw pocket change at them.
Calling the people from Eastern Canada "Creeps and bums"
Espoused his theory that the last Ice Age was caused by dinosaur farts
This is canola. It turns the fields a bright yellow when it is in bloom and your toast edible when you spread canola margerine on it. That big black unit there is a Canadian oilfield well. Those gigantic tanks are full of sour crude oil.
No talk about Alberta and Saskatchewan would be complete without this mistake. Welcome to Lloydminster Alberta, or is it Lloydminster, Saskatchewan.. it's actually both. It's a city right on the border of two provinces one side being Alberta one side being Saskatchewan. This causes far too many problems.

Have a warrant for your arrest in Alberta? Just hang out on the Saskatchewan side and vice versa. Turned 18? Congratulations you can drink on one side of the town but not the other where the legal age is 19.
Speaking of illegal, it's illegal in Canada to depict a crime being committed in a comic.

peaking of influential Canadians, ever heard of Terry Fox? Let me tell you about this hero. This is something near and dear to me as I am currently battling my own.

A young man when he was diagnosed with osteosarcoma which led to the amputation of his leg. I won't give you his life story but I will say it is one of the best examples of what can truly be found in the hearts of all Canadians. This is the cliffs notes version. He wanted to help. He learned of the value of cancer research and how donations could help whilst battling his. He said he owed his survival to the value of cancer research.

So he decided to run across Canada, with only one leg to raise money for cancer research and I can't even imagine what this act of bravery has raised to this day as every year Terry Fox Runs are held all over. His journey began in Newfoundland on the east coast of Canada. He would only take breaks for media events which furthered the cause, lending his voice to awareness and fundraising only. He ran a brutal pace otherwise but sadly his journey ended on day 143, after 5373 kilometers when he required a trip to the hospital only to be told not only had his cancer returned but it had spread to his lungs. His run had come to an end outside Thunder Bay, Ontario.

This is an incredibly amazing story filled with far more than I could include in this post so I will leave that here.

I always tell people the real reason his Marathon of Hope ended was because he saw Thunder Bay. Bad joke I know.
This is called a hoodie or hooded sweatshirt to the rest of the world. In Saskatchewan one of the bigger Canadian provinces? It's a bunnyhug. Why? Because of stubble-jumpin flatlanders.

Did you know Old Quebec is one of the few walled cities in the entire world? Completely surrounded on all sides by walls! Canadians celebrate this fact and are always pushing to have the rest of Quebec walled off as well. With any luck we may even have enough cement left over to fill it in.
Speaking of Thunder Bay, we've had a hot sauce on TWO seasons of Hot Ones now! Locally made, I've never tried it myself as I've lost my taste for spicy foods. You know the show Hot Ones? The show Paul Rudd was recently on? The same Paul Rudd I told my neighbours bought me all the amazon wishlist stuff Imgur did because I panicked at them asking questions?


Speaking of Quebec and having to be odd frenchmen that think they can do everything better. There are two classes of bagels in the world. The Montreal Style Bagel and the Bard.
A montreal style bagel is like a bagel except its boiled in honeyed water, cooked in a wood fired oven if possible and they mess with the ingredients so that it can't be used to make a decent sandwich with as the holes too damn big.
The coldest temperature in Canada was 1:1 with the surface of Mars, I remember this one because our weather channels wouldn't stop telling us this like it made things any better.

Speaking of Thunder Bay did you know that Tim Hortons jokes aside we used to have a much better popular donut shop that can only be found in some places now and if you ever get a chance you damn well better try it?

Robins Donuts which actually has GOOD donuts. You see there is two types of donuts in this world when you get down to it. You got your yeast donuts and your cake donuts.  If donuts were people cake donuts would be Paul Rudd and yeast donuts would be Chad Kroger of Nickelback.
Something so awful you'd want a McRib, it's the McLobster and it tastes like it looks.

Canadians all agree we want the stubby bottle back for good and not just as a promotional item.
Nickelback bites my Canadian ballbag.

The RCMP once formed a posse in Saskatchewan to catch some car thieves which included a cropduster pilot, farmers on ATVs and the RCMP piling into the bucket of a tractor to go off-road.

Now to get your appetite back feast your eyes and possibly your nipples on FLAPPER PIE. This is THE reason to date a girl from the prairies.


1-1/2 c. graham cracker crumbs
1/4 c. melted butter
1/4 c. sugar

1/3 c. sugar
1/4 c. cornstarch
2-1/2 c. milk
3 egg yolks, lightly beaten
1 tsp. vanilla
Meringue topping:

3 egg whites, room temp.
2 tbsp. sugar
1/4 tsp. cream of tartar
Pinch cinnamon
Mix crust ingredients. Scoop out 2 tbsp. and set aside. Press crumbs into the bottom and sides of a pie plate. Bake at 375 F for 8 minutes and cool.

For the filling, blend sugar and cornstarch in a saucepan. Slowly whisk in milk. Cook over medium heat until it bubbles and thickens, stirring constantly. Remove from heat. Stir a spoonful of hot mixture into the egg yolks, whisk quickly and pour back into the saucepan. Boil for two minutes, stirring, until quite thick. Stir in vanilla.

For the topping, whip egg whites* and cream of tartar to soft peaks. Gradually add sugar while whipping to stiff peaks.

Pour filling into graham cracker crust. Top with meringue, ensuring it touches the crust all around. Mix the reserved 2 tbsp. of graham crumbs with cinnamon and sprinkle over top. Bake at 375 F for 6-8 minutes, until meringue is lightly brown. Watch carefully. Cool pie and refrigerate a few hours before eating.

Much like the recipe for Buttered Farts from my previous post you can thank me later.

Nanaimo Bars are something you should probably make. This is a recipe

Nanaimo Bar Recipe
Bottom Layer

1/2 cup unsalted butter (European style cultured)
1/4 cup sugar
5 tbsp. cocoa
1 egg beaten
1 3/4 cups graham wafer crumbs
1/2 cup finely chopped almonds
1 cup coconut

Melt first 3 ingredients in top of double boiler. Add egg and stir to cook and thicken. Remove from heat. Stir in crumbs, coconut, and nuts. Press firmly into an ungreased 8" x 8" pan.

Second Layer

1/2 cup unsalted butter
2 Tbsp. and 2 Tsp. cream
2 Tbsp. vanilla custard powder
2 cups icing sugar

Cream butter, cream, custard powder, and icing sugar together well. Beat until light. Spread over bottom layer.

Third Layer

4 squares semi-sweet chocolate (1 oz. each)
2 Tbsp. unsalted butter

Melt chocolate and butter over low heat. Cool. Once cool, but still liquid, pour over second layer and chill in refrigerator.

Enjoy getting fat from these crackbars.
Santa Clause is actually Canadian.

I'm serious, write to him.
Santa Claus, North Pole, H0H 0H0, Canada

If you include a return address one of his elves will send you a letter back. You should probably let your kids do it though unless you've got a thing for bearded out of shape guys with a big red sack who likes to hang out with a bunch of reindeer, if that's the case you can write to me at...

Actually, the reindeer were a lie, sorry.

Our signs aren't just in English and French! In places like Ontario you'll also find signs in Ojibwe one of the languages of the native Canadians. Coming soon to British Columbia: Mandatory Chinese (Probably)

Newfoundlanders and I assume other parts of Canadas east coast like to get so drunk they forget that any other room in their homes exist.
No but seriously kitchen parties are a thing there, we're all not sure why because Stompin' Tom never wrote a song about it.
Other fun things Newfies like to do.

There's something called "Screeching In" and if you thought the sour-toe cocktail from the old posts was bad well this requires you go to Newfoundland so.. anyways. What you do is take a shot of Newfoundland screech rum, thus named because of the sound you make after doing it and then you kiss the cod, yep, you kiss a codfish. Newfies are still mystified the rest of the country is concerned about them.
Do you know that Canadian Christians officially dissavowed the traditional image of Jesus Christ and chose to adopt this depiction?

We like saying sorry so much that we have something called The Apology Act, see in America ya'll cannot say you're sorry without opening it up to being an admission of guilt but round these parts? Wellsir, we're just more civilized and.. aw I'm sorry that was rude.

In Dawson City, Yukon home to the show Gold Rush on Discovery there's a bar that serves a sour-toe cocktail, which has a humans severed toe in it that they keep in salt until a shot is being done. This toe was also stolen and somehow recovered recently.

The rotary snowplow was invented in Toronto by J.W. Elliot in 1869 when he looked at his desk fan and realized cow-catchers weren't funny enough.
The word Canada comes from "Kanata" which means village. Now you're thinking aw, Canadians see themselves as one gigantic village but that's not the case at all. Early settlers asked what the place they were was and the indigenous peoples said "Oh? This is our kanata" and those settlers were all like "Oh shit this land is Kanata!" This isn't a joke.

Here's the joke.
Not actually listening to the indigenous peoples of Canada is still a time honored tradition our leaders maintain to this day.

Not actually a joke though.

While not Canadian you know what Canadians love just as much as Kraft Dinner, ketchup chips and beer? Perogies. Pierogies, Pierogi, pysanka..? no that's the instant coffee stuff.

Also known as Ukranian marital aids these lovelly little bundles of amazing are normally cheddar cheese mixed with mashed potato stuffed inside a dough pocket that's then boiled and fried with onions and bacon.
We turned one of our finest Canadian institutions into a lesser version of Wal-Mart, Nicknamed Crappy Tire, or Newfie Tire this place is your one-stop shop for everything not tire and autoparts anymore.

It's the best place to go to find Guy Fieri wing dips, 20 packs of microfibre towels on sale for $1.99 and redshirts that wish they really were redshirts.
Did you know that we used to have our own Canadian version of what Wal-Mart is like? Except this one was better and had slogans like "Where the Lowest Price is the Law!", had a bear named Zeddy as a mascot and had a not-too-bad restaraunt built into most locations?

You know now, but they're gone so you can feel free to ignore this. I'm still hoping my Club-Zed point nest-egg will appreciate in value so I can retire.
I just want to point out because some Quebecois people got upset in my last post that I don't like the french that this is your most searched pornhub term. Yourselves.
Ques-ca-fuck? Are you really that self-absorbed? I'll give the Inuit there a pass for "Eskimo" because their nearest neighbour is probably about 500km away but seriously? You're in Quebec you can't throw a baguette without hitting one of you frankyphone people.

The LCBO, the Liquor Control Board of Ontario is a state-run liquor store here in Ontario and is a part of our glorious Soviet Canuckistani heritage.

Recently they underwent a major rebranding and opened many new locations and remodeled the old ones to make them look like an upscale joint instead of the 1980's police precinct motif they had prior. What they neglected to invest in was literally any form of security and they reported that in one year over $77 MILLION FUCKIN' DOLLARS of booze was stolen. They hired security guards which do not stop people so you can literally walk in, face covered, grab a few bottles and walk out.. and people do at each location multiple times a day.
The deepest underground lab in the world is the SNOLAB where they are studying neutrino emissions.. which is what we want you to think.

It's located in Sudbury Ontario a place that once had VERY little forest because the acid rain produced by the nickel mine there scorched it all away!

We have more donut shops per capita than the rest of the world, unfortunately they're all Tim Hortons.

The Canadian Goose.

Some Goose facts.
- Has 50-60 banana sized teeth.
- Has a brain twice as big as other birds
- Powerful legs but weak upper limbs
- Can sprint 20km/hr!
- Is a carnivore and considered one of the most voracious hunters of all birds
- Has the strongest bite of any land animal to ever live- Name means "Tyrant Lizard King"
You know these jackholes you Americans created?

We banned em.

When Gord Downie was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor, he and his band "The Tragically Hip" who are one of the most celebrated and influential groups in Canadian music history did one final farewell tour, their last concert being broadcast for free by the CBC to all Canadians.

It's estimated that over 33% of all Canadians tuned into the broadcast.
Canada has a political party called The Rhinocerous Party who run on a satire platform many years and promise very outlandish things.

Repeal the law of gravity
Privatize the Queen
Transport oil and gas in blimps instead of pipelines.
Count the Thousand Islands to make sure the Americans didn’t steal any

Canada facts for Americans (75 Pics) Canada facts for Americans (75 Pics) Reviewed by STATION GOSSIP on 01:04 Rating: 5

No comments:

Powered by Blogger.